I Do What I Want To Bad I Can't Say What I Want

Its been over a week I know. I feel like that jerk boyfriend that never calls when he says will. I never claimed to be professional.
Lately, I've had this overwhelming feeling to say what is on my mind. I've always been a blunt person but over the years my mother has been training me to say the thoughts that come to my mind with love for example. "Your baby looks just like you!" what I really want to say "Your baby is so ugly I'm a little frightened." Obviously I would get smacked for that. My mother has my best interests in mind but sometimes I just really, really, REALLY want to say what I think. Like yesterday, for example, I was in my body sculpting class (I'm officially obsessed with the gym by the way) there was this girl in front of me, wearing leggings for pants (gross to begin with) and apparently they were her favorite leggings because they were worn thin, so thin that I could see her tiny thong right through him (yeah fellas good for you bad for me). I said nothing. What I really wanted to say was "Hey hooker, I know you're worried about panty lines but with those leggings being so thin I can see all of your panties." Or the lady sitting next to me in my accounting class "Hey, you smell like onions." Or that really annoying person on Facebook that's in a relationship and has to tell you everything that their boyfriend/girlfriend does for them via status updates. "No one cares! You'll probably break up in a week, go write in your diary."

You're most likely thinking wow Kateri you're a bitch, that's so mean. I'm being honest and honesty is usually pretty bitchy and mean. Maybe I am a bitch and I'm totally OK with that.
Being blunt could also be used for the greater good. I wish the men in my life would be more blunt. For example, "Kateri I never want to be your boyfriend I just want to make out with you." IT WOULD MAKE THINGS SO MUCH MORE SIMPLE. I'm really tired of the "I really like you I'll call you later." Bullshit, Bullshit, Bullshit. Its women's fault men can't say what they mean the whole "Do I look fat in this?" "Yes" "You're such a jerk, I can't believe you think I look fat in this. You're sleeping on the couch." Thanks ladies, thanks a lot.

My strong desire to say what I want probably stems from me being shy when I was younger and didn't talk at all much less say what I truly want to say. I guess I have a lot of suppressed opinions (hmm why did I start a blog again). The world is most likely a better place because my mouth doesn't run free. I would definitely would get myself into a lot of trouble.

Why Did I Like This??

There are days that I reflect on my childhood and really wish I could be 5 again. Realizing that it's impossible, I sometimes try to recreate some of the things that I loved or thought was super duper cool when I was younger. Unfortunately that has led me down a really weird, enlightening, and sometimes scary path.

So elementary Kateri thought that FernGully: The Last Rainforest was the shit. Anybody remember FernGully? Well in case you don't or never heard of it I'll enlighten you.

FernGully is about little fairies that have never seen humans before until a bat, named Batty (yeah, real original screenwriters) voiced by Robin Williams, tells them that he has seen humans. So Crysta, the protagonist fairy, goes to check it out and gasp! humans are destroying the rain forest! Zak is one of the humans helping the evil humans destroy the trees and Crysta accidentally shrinks him. She shows him the beauty of FernGully and how all life feels pain and is special (hmmm I wonder were James Cameron got his Avatar plot??). Oh and surprise surprise they fall in love. Zak and Crysta soon find out that the cute little fairies and animals are all in mortal danger. The evil humans released this evil oil thing (representing polution I'm pretty sure) that takes over the logging machine and tries to cut down the whole forest. Crysta, Zak, Batty, and all the other little creatures, then try to save the forest. I will now share my thoughts about FernGully. First, with my elementary thoughts about the movie, and then my adult thoughts.

Batty the Bat with the remarkably original name

Five Year Old Kateri "I love FernGully. Its so pretty and there are fairies and a really funny bat named Batty. Its so magical and they save the rain forest from that evil oil thingy."

Twenty One Year Old Kateri "WTF this is environmentalist crap trying to poison kids into believing their views, through cute, magical characters. Damn, Robin Williams, Christian Slater, Tim Curry, Cheech and Chong were all in this movie? Wow that's kinda cool. Ugh I can't even watch this. HUMANS ARE NOT TRYING TO KILL ALL NATURE!!! (I scream at the 18 yr old movie like yelling was going to change the movie). Why did my parents let me watch this crap?"

The next childhood stop on my journey led me to my very first crush. Steve McCauley the weatherman. I remember thinking that he was so cute and would always insist on watching the Amarillo news so I wouldn't miss seeing Steve McCauley. Imagine how strange for my parents that their 6 year old had to stay up past her bedtime so she could watch the weather. All these years I have thought fondly about Steve McCauley, the weatherman stud. Much to my dismay this is Steve McCauley my childhood crush.

He can show me his lightning bolt (not really ewww)

I don't know what I was thinking. My excuses are that I hadn't even gone through puberty or as a 6 year old weathermen are really really yummy. Don't judge me I was six.

My next revistation of childhood, starts with RANDOM STORY TIME!!!!! (OK this isn't random it totally meshes in with the points I'm trying to make but my blog feels naked without random story time) One day my friend Steve and I were hanging out flipping through the movies Netflix had to offer and we come across the classic, The Neverending Story. My friend Steve says to me, " You know this movie really freaked me out as a kid. I don't know if it was because it was actually scary or if it was creepy to me because I was little." I replied, "Yeah, I remember it being a little weird too. Lets watch it and see if it was just creepy because we were little."

So we did and its one of the creepiest movies I have ever, EVER, ever seen. The main characters horse dies in a swamp (which can be really traumatic for a child). There is a bunch of creepy creatures brought to life by really bad special effects. And Falkor is the creepiest scariest thing (next to Crusty the Clown) ever imagined by human minds (this is debatable yes I know, but just disregard that for the dramatic effect).

AAAAAAHHHHHHH! Seriously this is supposed to be something children like?

Oh yeah and did I mention there was this weird thing that ate rocks? WTF? You can't say that isn't really disturbing. Also there are statues that clearly have breasts (nipples and everything) which is not appropriate for children!
The Neverending Story was creepy as a child, creepy and maybe even creepier as an adult. Once again, "WHY DID MY PARENTS LET ME WATCH THIS??" I don't think they screened the movies I watched.

Oh and one final tidbit. I loved the Lion King so when they had the little crappy sequels I HAD to watch them. One sequel I loved (as an adult I'm actually insulted they made a sequel to Lion King) as a child was Lion King II: Simba's Pride. Well as an adult I watched it. I don't remember the reason why, when, or how I watched this movie but I do remember this. Simba's daughter and Scar's son fall in love (Gasp!) and run away together and Scar's son says to Simba's daughter something about running away together (not sure what he said exactly) and then says in a very provocative way "and we can MAKE a pride all our own". I did not, as a child, understand what this meant but as an adult....... HE WANTED TO HAVE LION SEX WITH SIMBA'S DAUGHTER! Bad Disney! Bad bad Disney!

So what did my my journey teach me well things aren't always are what you remembered as a child and sometimes they are.

Self Discovery

I am in my twenties the time when you aren't as angst-ee (grammar freaks chill out I make up my own words) your hormones aren't as raging, so you can make semi-sane decisions and truely discover things about yourself. Here is what I have discovered.



1. I hate hate hate hate oh yeah hate being cold.



I discovered this in Alaska while our cruise was cruising through a fjord. There were icebergs repeat icebergs floating in the water. Also the little anouncer dude anounced that the waterfalls were so cold that if you stuck your hand in the water it would instantly freeze you hand. I much had rather had been inside looking at the icebergs through a window, but nooooooo. My parents said to me "Stay outside here and enjoy this life moment with your crazy family" (I added the crazy part). It was so cold threw my fashion sense out the window to stay warm. I wore pink reindeer pajama pants, pink crocs (don't judge me), a blue sweater and then a bright red rain coat. Yes people stared and I didn't even care. I hate being cold. Here's a photo of my misery.

I'm only smiling because there was Bailey's in my hot coco

2. I produce alot of spit

Yes I produce more spit in my mouth than normal (hot boys reading this blog don't worry this does not effect my making out capabilities I keep it all in my mouth I promise). How do I know this? Well I'm constantly choking on my spit. Yay RANDOM STORY TIME!!!

Okay so this gorgeous guy who looked like an Abercrombie model asked me to go to the movies with him. During the movie we were holding hands and I was all nervous with butterflies and totally excited that we were holding hands, then.......BAM! I start choking on my own spit. I didn't want to stop holding the hot guy's hand so I think, I'll just hold it in (cough cough). THIS DID NOT WORK it made it WORSE. I begin coughing like I had emphezima. My face turned red, I was hunched over coughing BAD. Totally hot guy was looking at me with a frightened look on his face, the people in the movie were totally annoyed that the lung cancer patient had to come to the same movie as them. Hot guy asks, "Kateri are you ok?" Me in reply "CHOKING cough cough coughfee cough cough ON cough cough cough MY cough cough cough OWN cough cough cough SPIT" I was totally mortified.

Moral of the story having too much spit can embarrass you on a date.

3. Vodka is my wingman, Jager is my kryptonite.

Two things happen when I drink Jager. One I blackout don't remember shit. Two I throw up. Jager is my kryptonite
Vodka is my faithful wingman this is how I know. I was partying doing my thing when this stud muffin walked into the room. Vodka said to me "Kateri you're a hottie go ask that guy to make out with you." So I went up to the hot guy and said, "Hey Steven wanna go makeout around the corner?" His response "YEAH!" Vodka is my wingman ( by the way I knew the hot stud muffin just so you know, I don't ask random hot dudes to make out with me, just so you know).

4. I love to run

This is a shock even to me because I hated to run in high school. Now I love it I even want to run a marathon. Its so freeing to run with your ipod blasting some Kanye, shutting the whole world out.

5. My father was an accident

Okay that has nothing to do with my self discovery but I did discover that when my grandma said "Well we didn't exactly plan to have your dad but he was the cutest baby." Also, I'm running out of things that I've discovered about myself. Seriously, I've only been in my twenties for two years obviously I couldn't have discovered that many things about myself.

Keep reading and I'll keep blogging

I Officially Suck

So I officially suck yes I admit it. I started a blog and left it behind in the cold like those sad puppies on the ASPCA commericals. I stopped writing because I thought my life was boring and had nothing interesting to say. Well that was wrong I do have something interesting to say. So I'm baaaaaaaaack. Let me say this first this is not a new years resolution to write in my blog everyday I don't make resolutions. I make GOALS! (soccer goals included..... just kidding).

So whats new in the world of Kateri. Well I'm at that age were people decide I've partyied enough so now its time to get married and have babies. Ewwww. I'm only 21 but at least 10 people my age I know have become engaged (2 ex boyfriends included). I am not even close to that point in my life. I want to travel see the world, flash some random stranger at mardi gras (sorry mom), hit on someone in Spanish (Quiero tu cuerpo caliente), and by the title of the blog I do what I want so a serious boyfriend does not mesh with those desires. But the thing is everyone is getting married and I don't want that but yet I'm still jealous. I think its because someday I want to get married so I'm jealous of the ones who have found love even though its not for me right now.
Also everyone my age is doing it so I think hmmm should I do it too? UHHHHH NO THANK YOU. Most divorces happen to couples who got married before the age of 25. So college students stop getting engaged its getting annoying.

Am I the only one that feels this way?

Ugh I'm Old

So I'm new to this growing up shit. Yeah that's right growing up shit. Granted you spend your whole life growing but as a kid its like "Oh my tooth fell out I must be growing up" or "Damn it. I have to wear bras now?" See everything is new and Bill Clinton has always been the president and you have every Disney movie ever made on VCR. Then the growing up and being old attacks you like a ninja out of nowhere. All of a sudden there have been 3 presidents in your life time and you had to throw away your VCR collection for the DVD collection and then start discarding the DVDs for the blue ray and all your favorite shows have been cancelled (Friends, Boy Meets World, Gilmore Girls, ER) or in their 10th season and need to be cancelled (One Tree Hill, LOST, etc.). This is how I know that I am old and growing up. Its so weird and new because I'm still very young but there are all theses things that make me feel so old. Like Home Improvement is on TV Land. WTF?! I remember watching it on regular television on its regular night now its on the classic television channel every night. Then you realize oh my gosh I'm saying stuff like "I remember when." Speaking of television I was a raging Boy Meets World fan and haven't seen it on TV in forever so I'm like hey I'll buy it on DVD. So.....

Yay random story time!

....I get on Amazon and look up Boy Meets World thinking man these are gonna be cheap. Guess what I was wrong. Not even close to cheap. Ninety freakin dollars (plus stupid shipping) for the first season. I'll tell you what I did. I did not bang my fists on the table and cuss like a sailor. My face did not get red and I did not complain in a whiny high pitched tone. It is all to be blamed on the fact that I'm getting old.
$90.00 Son of a BEEZY!

This show is so old that the seasons on DVD has been discontinued and the DVDs are now collectibles, hence the high price. Stupid Saved By the Bell is only $15.00 for the first season (A plethora of bad words insert here ->___________.) I miss Topanga. Point of the random story I can't get my favorite show because ugh I'm old!

Then there is the fact that I have seen the rise and fall of Britney Spears (twice), little kids don't know who I'm talking about when I reminisce about Macaulay Calkin, kick me and say "We love Hannah Montana!", Garth Brooks is retired, Val Kilmer is now fat, Lindsey Lohan traded the Parent Trap for a lesbian lover, cocaine, and a bottle of alcohol. Ugh I'm old and I don't like it.

12,600 Calories of Magical Goodness

Growing up I was introduced to the classic 1971 Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. It was slightly creepy but not as creepy and the new Tim Burton version. Johnny Depp looks like he's on crack and I don't know reminds me of a pedophile. Damn you Tim Burton! and your creepiness. Ugh Tim Burton scaring me with his movies since 1992.

Now who would you rather accept candy from?

I really hope you say the first one

Anyways in the old not as creepy Willy Wonka, after they go through the tiny hall and all the golden ticket winners freak out because its so tiny, then Will opens the door and they then go through the door and its a MAGICAL CANDY ROOM. Willy then busts into song and eats from the marshmallow mushroom and then the best part he knocks down a giant gummy bear from a gummy bear tree with his cane. Most people dream about the chocolate river but I dreamed about the giant gummy bear. Its always been a myth, movie magic, urban legend. But I now tell you that my wildest dreams (ok one of my wildest dreams the other is that ryan seacrest and katie couric would disappear from television) have come true. THERE ARE SUCH THINGS AS GIANT GUMMY BEARS! Watch and experience the magical wonder.




Only the greatest flippin gift ever!

Yes while children are starving all over the world the good health consciencious country, US of A is making GIANT GUMMY BEARS for only 30 whole dollars. This candy creation has 12,600 calories, I mean while children have distended bellies from malnutrition and probably has never even consumed 12,600 calories what selfish person would spend 30 dollars on a giant gummy bear?

Uh me! I'd like one in blue rasberry. Donations to the "Buy Kateri a Giant Gummy Bear Fund" are encouraged and accepted.

Oh so CREEPY

I'm creeped out easily. Alot of things creep me out some things most people can agree with. Like Crusty the Clown. I will NEVER NEVER watch the Simpsons because of the chance that Crusty may appear. Curse the creator of Crusty he is the epitome of creepiness. Usually I would post a pic but I can't bring myself to do it. Ok another creepy thing. THE CHEESE THAT COMES OUT OF A BAG THROUGH A DISPENSER BY A PUSH OF A BUTTON. Disgusting eww eww eww icky ewwMidgets freak me out. Yes I know they are mini people, and mini dogs, mini pigs, and anything mini is usually adorable but mini people are creepy in a way that I'm afraid of them. I think it was when I decided to watch Little People Big World and the little mom was yelling at her little son and her face was all scrunched up and angry. It was scary. I actually tensed up and couldn't change the channel. It ruined midgets for me.

BOBA TEA.

Why anyone wants to suck up black squishy balls into their mouth (haha didn't realize the similarity of that to something dirty until now hehe) and chew them is creepy to me. For those of you who haven't tried it, the little tapioca balls have the consistency of well, hmmm, eyeballs.

YAY RANDOM STORY TIME

Ok so I was in Seattle (random and you probably didn't need to know that but hey its my random story time with random places) and my aunt was like "Kateri you have to try this awesome drink!" I said, "Ok, I will." So she buys the drink and I look at the drink and think "That's weird. Why does this drink have a giant straw with a giant diameter?" Regardless, I go all in. I suck up a huge amount of the boba tea but did I get the drink liquid part NOOOOO. I get 10 giant black squishy balls that take up my whole mouth. I looked like a chipmunk who was storing acorns for the winter.

The things going on in my head at that time were "Ok Kateri you have two options: Throw Up or Swallow"

So I'm sitting there mouth full of giant black squishy balls aka tapioca making the ultimate decision: throw up or swallow. Meanwhile, my sister, seeing my crisis, was yelling, "Teri, just swallow! You have to just swallow! You can do IT! You have to just swallow! Well in the end I, unfortunately, swallowed. You think, yay her suffering ended. NO! it did not end damn it. You feel the slimy squishy black balls slide all the way down your throat. The urge to throw up increased but I had to then swallow the urge to throw up because those mini balls of hell were not coming back into my mouth! Point of RANDOM STORY time. Don't drink boba tea. Unless you like black squishy slimy balls aka tapioca.

Now you know what creeps me out.