Ugh I'm Old

So I'm new to this growing up shit. Yeah that's right growing up shit. Granted you spend your whole life growing but as a kid its like "Oh my tooth fell out I must be growing up" or "Damn it. I have to wear bras now?" See everything is new and Bill Clinton has always been the president and you have every Disney movie ever made on VCR. Then the growing up and being old attacks you like a ninja out of nowhere. All of a sudden there have been 3 presidents in your life time and you had to throw away your VCR collection for the DVD collection and then start discarding the DVDs for the blue ray and all your favorite shows have been cancelled (Friends, Boy Meets World, Gilmore Girls, ER) or in their 10th season and need to be cancelled (One Tree Hill, LOST, etc.). This is how I know that I am old and growing up. Its so weird and new because I'm still very young but there are all theses things that make me feel so old. Like Home Improvement is on TV Land. WTF?! I remember watching it on regular television on its regular night now its on the classic television channel every night. Then you realize oh my gosh I'm saying stuff like "I remember when." Speaking of television I was a raging Boy Meets World fan and haven't seen it on TV in forever so I'm like hey I'll buy it on DVD. So.....

Yay random story time!

....I get on Amazon and look up Boy Meets World thinking man these are gonna be cheap. Guess what I was wrong. Not even close to cheap. Ninety freakin dollars (plus stupid shipping) for the first season. I'll tell you what I did. I did not bang my fists on the table and cuss like a sailor. My face did not get red and I did not complain in a whiny high pitched tone. It is all to be blamed on the fact that I'm getting old.
$90.00 Son of a BEEZY!

This show is so old that the seasons on DVD has been discontinued and the DVDs are now collectibles, hence the high price. Stupid Saved By the Bell is only $15.00 for the first season (A plethora of bad words insert here ->___________.) I miss Topanga. Point of the random story I can't get my favorite show because ugh I'm old!

Then there is the fact that I have seen the rise and fall of Britney Spears (twice), little kids don't know who I'm talking about when I reminisce about Macaulay Calkin, kick me and say "We love Hannah Montana!", Garth Brooks is retired, Val Kilmer is now fat, Lindsey Lohan traded the Parent Trap for a lesbian lover, cocaine, and a bottle of alcohol. Ugh I'm old and I don't like it.

12,600 Calories of Magical Goodness

Growing up I was introduced to the classic 1971 Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. It was slightly creepy but not as creepy and the new Tim Burton version. Johnny Depp looks like he's on crack and I don't know reminds me of a pedophile. Damn you Tim Burton! and your creepiness. Ugh Tim Burton scaring me with his movies since 1992.

Now who would you rather accept candy from?

I really hope you say the first one

Anyways in the old not as creepy Willy Wonka, after they go through the tiny hall and all the golden ticket winners freak out because its so tiny, then Will opens the door and they then go through the door and its a MAGICAL CANDY ROOM. Willy then busts into song and eats from the marshmallow mushroom and then the best part he knocks down a giant gummy bear from a gummy bear tree with his cane. Most people dream about the chocolate river but I dreamed about the giant gummy bear. Its always been a myth, movie magic, urban legend. But I now tell you that my wildest dreams (ok one of my wildest dreams the other is that ryan seacrest and katie couric would disappear from television) have come true. THERE ARE SUCH THINGS AS GIANT GUMMY BEARS! Watch and experience the magical wonder.




Only the greatest flippin gift ever!

Yes while children are starving all over the world the good health consciencious country, US of A is making GIANT GUMMY BEARS for only 30 whole dollars. This candy creation has 12,600 calories, I mean while children have distended bellies from malnutrition and probably has never even consumed 12,600 calories what selfish person would spend 30 dollars on a giant gummy bear?

Uh me! I'd like one in blue rasberry. Donations to the "Buy Kateri a Giant Gummy Bear Fund" are encouraged and accepted.

Oh so CREEPY

I'm creeped out easily. Alot of things creep me out some things most people can agree with. Like Crusty the Clown. I will NEVER NEVER watch the Simpsons because of the chance that Crusty may appear. Curse the creator of Crusty he is the epitome of creepiness. Usually I would post a pic but I can't bring myself to do it. Ok another creepy thing. THE CHEESE THAT COMES OUT OF A BAG THROUGH A DISPENSER BY A PUSH OF A BUTTON. Disgusting eww eww eww icky ewwMidgets freak me out. Yes I know they are mini people, and mini dogs, mini pigs, and anything mini is usually adorable but mini people are creepy in a way that I'm afraid of them. I think it was when I decided to watch Little People Big World and the little mom was yelling at her little son and her face was all scrunched up and angry. It was scary. I actually tensed up and couldn't change the channel. It ruined midgets for me.

BOBA TEA.

Why anyone wants to suck up black squishy balls into their mouth (haha didn't realize the similarity of that to something dirty until now hehe) and chew them is creepy to me. For those of you who haven't tried it, the little tapioca balls have the consistency of well, hmmm, eyeballs.

YAY RANDOM STORY TIME

Ok so I was in Seattle (random and you probably didn't need to know that but hey its my random story time with random places) and my aunt was like "Kateri you have to try this awesome drink!" I said, "Ok, I will." So she buys the drink and I look at the drink and think "That's weird. Why does this drink have a giant straw with a giant diameter?" Regardless, I go all in. I suck up a huge amount of the boba tea but did I get the drink liquid part NOOOOO. I get 10 giant black squishy balls that take up my whole mouth. I looked like a chipmunk who was storing acorns for the winter.

The things going on in my head at that time were "Ok Kateri you have two options: Throw Up or Swallow"

So I'm sitting there mouth full of giant black squishy balls aka tapioca making the ultimate decision: throw up or swallow. Meanwhile, my sister, seeing my crisis, was yelling, "Teri, just swallow! You have to just swallow! You can do IT! You have to just swallow! Well in the end I, unfortunately, swallowed. You think, yay her suffering ended. NO! it did not end damn it. You feel the slimy squishy black balls slide all the way down your throat. The urge to throw up increased but I had to then swallow the urge to throw up because those mini balls of hell were not coming back into my mouth! Point of RANDOM STORY time. Don't drink boba tea. Unless you like black squishy slimy balls aka tapioca.

Now you know what creeps me out.

An Amazing Face for the AMAZING RACE

This year I'm gonna blackjack, I'm gonna be magical 21. This is the year that the U.S. government says it is legal to sin all I want. BOOZE and GAMBLING here I come. Most of exciting of all I can APPLY FOR THE AMAZING RACE! Yay! a stressful, vigorous, trip around the world to win a million dollars hell yeah! My best friend has agreed to be my teammate. We figure that I'm pretty (yes this is a conceited remark but over 10 people have told me I'm pretty so I'm gonna count it as true) and he's gay (they always have gay couples) and we think we are funny enough to give the show some personality. Now the auditions for next season were due in February so we have to apply for not next season but the next season. This means we have a year or so to prepare. I will now share our planned preparations.

1. Get passports (most important to race around the world)
2. Make a kick ass audition video (ideas for the video are welcome)
3. Learn to drive a manual (In previous seasons the contestants get in a manual and cry because they don't know how to drive one, THIS WILL NOT BE US)
4. Vigorous running preparation (I am slow with little legs if I want to compete in a race around the world i'm going to have to stay in shape)
5. Map Reading (Getting lost in a foreign country is scary and can make you lose the race, THIS WILL NOT BE US)
6. Practicar mis espanol Practice my Spanish (I've already started learning Thank You Rosetta Stone. A foriegn language is always handy)
7. Watch old videos of the show (this is crucial to know what to expect and study the teams that won in order to make sure we succeed!)

I think with enough preparation and determination the show will realize that they NEED us to be their contestants. I'll keep you posted on our AMAZING RACE preparations. If you talk to God alot and wanna be a good and loyal Kateri blog follower start praying NOW! that we make it. O my goodness I want this more than Amy Whinehouse doesn't want to go to rehab..NO NO NO. Anyways i'll keep you updated on our progress.

Damn it I'm so disappointed

Life can be pretty disappointing sometimes. Now this topic can get pretty dark and you are probably thinking great Kateri is gonna go all emo and talk about her boy problems and how life sucks. Sorry I'm a happy person. Anyways things that are disappointing

.... watching Top Gun and Ghost and The Darkness and thinking "Wow Val Kilmer is such a fox"

then finding out that present day Val Kilmer is fat.

Thinking you can have your own pet PENGUIN at an affordable price!

Then finding out the stupid store is selling stuffed penguin not real ones. Yes my eyes teared. Who wouldn't want a pet penguin?! I mean it is always dressed to party they are so freakin cute and wobbling back and forth. So yes disappointing.

Hearing that someone is leaving American Idol and its not Ryan Seacrest.

Watching your dog poop in the park and realizing you have to pick it up or you'll go to jail.

M Night Shyamalan's recent movies.

The end of my blog post :(

And that, My Friend, Is a Dark Side

What does the moon, Anakin Skywalker, Bob Crane (the star of Hogan's Heroes who was deeply involved in the porn industry and was murdered because of it, in case you didn't know) , and Dr. Jekyll have in common? A dark side, my friend. In my favorite movie When Harry Met Sally the main character Harry talks about his dark side. He spends hours, days, thinking about death and the reads the last page of a book first so in case he dies he knows the end of the book.

I definately have a dark side. This dark sidemakes me want to terminate Ryan Seacrest, Katie Couric, and Trisha Yearwood with telekinetic powers. I am pretty dark. Oh if you only knew. Instead of the cute Disney version of Cinderella, I prefer the dark original Cinderella. Screw the stepsisters just curling up their toes to stuff their giant feet into a tiny shoe. Try them cutting off their toes and part of their heel stuffing it into the shoe, then leaving a blood trail as they walk off with Prince Charming (more like Prince Stupid), who doesn't even realize till the little bird tells him. Evil laugh: Mooowahahahahahahaha, I love it! My dark side kills innocent tadpoles. Yes, I'm sorry amphibian lovers since childhood I have had this desire to pick on little black slimy tadpoles.

Yay RANDOM STORY TIME!

So growing up we had thes giant pond and every year love stricken frogs would have choose our pond to get it on and raise their children. And my sister and I would "experiment" on the baby tadpoles. Just simple, harmless (we thought) experiments like will a tadpole survive falling down a three tier waterfall (strangely, yes) and how hard can you squish a tadpole before it well gets smashed. The survival rate was minimal but it was all in the NAME OF SCIENCE! Ok maybe not, well actually not, I just like to torture tadpoles. That my friend is a dark side.

Excellent specimens for experimentation

Moowahahahahaha!!!!!!
Sorry I just had to do that one more time

Someone Say My Name Right

So my name is Kateri (Ka-tear-ee) and from the dawning of time, August 29, 1989 (the day of my birth) the name Kateri was picked out for yours truly. Its beautiful I know, you don't need to tell me its my effin name. But it is hell being named Kateri. My name has been butchered as if it were a song sung by an American Idol contestant. Canary, Catorac, Kay-tree, Ka-tar-ee, Kat-err-eye are just a few of the ways my name has been butchered. Even my grandpa sometimes doesn't say it right.

Ok so I sound like a whiny brat. Oh poor little girl with the weird name that no one can say. But it honestly sucks introducing yourself and the response is always "HUH?" or "K what?" "Say that again" "How do you spell that?" Also try sitting in class as the professor calls out names to hand out tests. My last name begins with a B so I should get my test toward the first. BUT I NEVER DO! You know why? The teacher can never pronounce my first name and usually can't get the last name either. I listen for my name the professor yells out some name with a K. Is it me? No that's to far from Kateri to be me. Katie that has to be someone else. Damn it! He went through all the B names. So I have to wait till the end of class to get my test when I should have gotten it first.

However I'm a glass is half full girl. THANK YOU MOM that my name isn't Britney, Jessica, or Ashley. No offense to the millions of girls with those names but like I said there are millions of you. I bet you don't know very many girls named Kateri. Also, Kateri is from an almost catholic saint. She's one miracle away from the Big Time. Yeah look it up, its legit.

Isn't she all cute and holy looking :)

Now you are probably thinking Kateri is such a pretty name! I think I'm gonna name my little girl that name someday. BEEZY! don't even think about it. First, its lame to get your child's name off of a silly girl,s blog and second we can't have a whole bunch of Kateri's running around then it looses its Unique Powers.

YAY! RANDOM STORY TIME.

Ok so in high school there was another girl in an near by town with the name Kateri she pronounced it Ka-t-AIR-EE totally different than Ka-tear-ee but whatever. Anyways she died in a tragic drunk driving accident (sad, I KNOW) but everyone thought it was ME! So we had all kinds of people calling my house, school, and creepily people kept calling my phone. I mean who calls a dead person. Seriously. Its like "I have some sad news, Kateri died" "OH MY GOD, I better call her cell phone right NOW!" but as weird as it sounds people did, and of course I was alive so I answered. Talk about relief on the other line from the weirdos that call dead people. Point of the RANDOM STORY TIME, the name Kateri has Unique Powers.

So please say my name right because its awesome

KA-TEAR-EE